Last week I finally managed to get hold of Just A Normal Guy (JANG), one of Street Carnage’s most enigmatic and unique voices. Is he for real?

STREET CARNAGE: When were talking earlier you made an interesting proposal about Dominique Strauss-Kahn, something about him working for his alleged victim or something?

JUST A NORMAL GUY: WELL FIRST ITS OBVIOUSE THAT DOMANIQUE STRAUSS-KHAN IS’NT GUILTEY AND THEIR’S MANY REASON.

WELL FIRST WHEN DSK WANT TO RAPE A WOMEN, HE NEED TO DO THAT IN A HOTEL SUIET THAT HAS ‘TWO ROOMS’, ONE ROOM FOR DSK TO DO THE RAPEING AND ANOTHER ROOM FOR BERNIE TAUPIN TO SIT AND WRITE THE WORD’S THAT DSK SUPPOSE TO SAY WHILE HE’S ‘INN FLAGRANTEY.’ … IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, WHICH I THINK THAT YOU DO.

WELL SECOND IT JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW FAR LEFT THE LAMESTREAM MEDIA HAVE WENT THEY EXCPECT US TO BELEIVE THAT A FRENCH MAN HAVE ANY INTEREST IN RAPEING A WOMAN. DSK’S FLAVORITE FLAVOR OF ICE CREAM IS UN-DOUTBEDLY ‘TOOTY FROOTY’. WELL WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL HIM
DOMANIQUE?

WELL ANY WAYS, EVEN IF A NYC JURY FIND HIM GUILTEY, THEY WELL SENTENCE HIM TO WORK AS A MAID FOR HIS ACCUSER. WELL ITS THAT KIND OF CRAZY SITUATION WHICH ONLY CAN BE ‘MADE IN MANHATTAN’!

But seriously, what the fuck is going on nowadays? IMF presidents (allegedly) raping people, globe-spanning media corporations getting caught with their pants down, Norwegian uber-Nazis wilding out, Arab –

WELL I’M NOT AGREABLE WITH THE WORD ‘ARAB’.

Why?

WELL BECASUE WER’E ALL ORIGINAL AFRICAN. FORM THE ARAB WORLD IS WHERE HUMAN IRONICAELLY BEGAN.

Right. So what’s the deal with Africa? Libya is going apeshit — they know how to party. The Somali pirates have been a bit quiet lately but maybe they’re just gearing up a for a bitchin’ summer. There was a completely new country created about five minutes ago (South Sudan) and it’s already heading for civil war. Do they just know how to have a good time or what?

WELL I CA’NT ROOT TOO HARD FOR LIBYA BECASUE THEIR’S BASICLY SOMETHING WRONG WITH A COUNTRY CHOSE ITS NAME TO MEAN ‘LIB YEAH!’ WELL NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY WILL GO TO WAR AGAINST ‘CON GO!’ LOL

WELL WHY WAS THE SOMALIAN PIRATE TOO ANGRY AFTER THE NORWAY MASSACARE? WELL DUE TO INCREASING CONSCERN ABOUT INTELECTSCIOUAL PROPERTY, HE HAVE TO RE-WRITE ALL THE PLAGAIRIZED SECTION’S OF HIS MANAFESTO.

WELL ANY WAYS, THE GREAT AFRICAN TRIBE CHIEF KNOWN AS JAMIROQUAI WAS RIGHT, THEIR IS ‘EMERGENCY ON PLANET EARTH’, SO WE MUST GO TO THE ROOT OF THE SOURCE WERE IT ALL BEGAN, MOTHER AFRICA, OUR FOREBEARER’S LAND. WELL THESE DAYS EVERY BODY IS WALKING LIKE THE EGYPTIANS.

I was surprised to hear that you work in finance. What gets you out of bed in the morning? The rush of making mad scrilla?

WELL THE ‘MIDNIGHT TOKERS’ WHO READ THIS WEB SIGHT PROBABLEY THINK THAT A ‘HEDGE FUND’ IS HOW MUCH MONEY JIMMIE PAIGE PAYS EVERY YEAR LOOKING FOR HIS BUSTLE-ROW LOL. WELL ACTUALLEY, ITS FINANCE THAT’S WHERE I WORK.

Do you smoke weed? Drink much?

WELL I NEED TO SPEAK TO THE YOUNG CHILDREN WHOM READ THIS ARTICAL. I MAY PUT A HOT-TOT-TODDY TO THE BODY BUT I NEVER DABBEL IN THE OTHER STUFF – POT. I CALL IT ‘A GATE WHICH LEAD’S TO OTHER DRUGS’. YOU CAN LOOK AT ALL THE ADICTS SHOOTING WITH HARD DRUGS. HE GOT HIS FIRST ‘TASTE’ TRYING TO BE LIKE HIS HERO SNOOP THE DOG. WELL IF YOU WANT DO DRUGS, INSTEAD DO A DOUBLE-TAKE, DO’NT IMMITATE, JUST ORIGINATE. I TAKE A STRONG STAND ON THIS.

So… you’re good at math, I’m assuming, because I get kind of a Rain Man vibe from your comments, like Rain Man mixed with Stifler from American Pie… with maybe a dash of Nancy Grace.

WELL I CA’NT SPEAK TO THAT BECASUE I DO’NT CARE FOR ART FILMS SUCH AS ‘RAIN MAN’, FURTHER MORE, DO’NT YOU THINK ITS POLITICLY IN-CORRECT HOW MANY SO-CALL OSCAR-WINNER ART FILMS TAKE ADVANTAGE OF MENTAL HANDYCAP POEPLE, ‘RAIN MAN’, ‘FOREST GUMP’, ‘BENNY AND JUNE’, ‘SHINDLAR’S LIST’, ETC, WELL IT JUST GOES TO SHOW THE DOUBEL STANDARD

Yeah, mental illness is guaranteed Oscar-bait. Wait, Schindler’s List? Yikes. Um, so where do you put yourself politically? Libertarian? Crypto-con?

WELL POLITICLY I AM A MODERATE, ACCEPT FOR ISSUE’S WHERE NATIONAL SECURITY CONSCERN’S

Can I ask some personal questions? You’re divorced and I think I read a comment where you mentioned your daughter. What’s your living situation at the moment? Is there Just A Normal Girl or anything?

WELL I AM DEVORCED, BUT MY EX-WIFE SUCH AN ‘ENVIROGREENY’ THAT SHE NEVER WOUDL OF HAD A KID BECASUE OF BAD FOR THE EARTH. WE STILL ON GOOD TERMS THOUGH, FOR EXAMPEL SHE JUST SEND ME AN E-MAIL WITH A LINK TO THE WIKIPEDIA ENTRY ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED ‘THE NETTY POT’ [I DID’NT CLICK A LINK THO]

So no daughter. And finally: What’s the deal with the caps?

WELL MY CLIANTS AT MY JOB SEEM TO ENJOY THE CAP’S, MANY OF THEM CA’NT READ SO WELL SO THEY NEED BIGGER LETTER’S FOR SMALLER EYE’S. WELL THEY START TO READ MY E-MAILS AND THEY LAUGH AND SAY ‘GO, GO DONNIE GO!’ IT RYHMES WITH THE LIRYC’S FROM THE SONG ‘JONNY, BE GOOD’ FROM ‘BACK TO
THE FUTURE’ ORIGINAL SOUND-TRACK

WELL THANK’S FOR TALKING TO ME, GOOD LUCK WITH YOU’RE BLOG

Thanks man, keep commenting!

-PATRICK K