I love the audition episodes of American Idol. I’ve watched those with my friends, stoned, laughing, saying over and over, “HOW could that guy seriously think he’s a gonna be a famous pop star? Can he not hear himself? Can he not see people’s reactions? WHAT is he thinking?”

When I laugh, though, I’m not laughing at the auditioner’s lack of vocal talent and apparent brain injury. I’m not.

What I AM laughing at is their lack of insight into the industry they’ve chosen to try and compete in — their lack of self-awareness. If you don’t have the voice, don’t have the moves, don’t have “the look,” then don’t expect to win a pop-music performance competition. If you want to play the game, it helps to know the rules.

Similar to the music industry is the modeling industry. If you have “non-traditional” features, are not in good physical condition, have no idea how to pose, do makeup or dress like an adult, don’t self-publish photos of yourself on a public website and expect to become a paid, professional model.

Too bad nobody told the folks over at Model Mayhem. The profiles and pics here are a wonderful combination of aesthetic ineptitude, sadness, self-delusion and vanity. Try not to masturbate too hard.

Note: All of these pics were pulled using the search criteria of within 15 mile radius of my zip code. All these people are 15 miles or less from my house. Try a search using your zip code and see if you can sleep tonight. Good fucking luck.

-BRYAN SWIFT
@FaceHeadAss

Hat Tip: Dietrich Schoeneman