Don’t lie to me, I know how it goes. Late nights when you finally get bored of looking at loose wet pussy for hours, you make sure you’re on private browsing before delving into the smuttiest Fetish sites you can find. You don’t fap to it (or maybe you do, you dirty bitches), but you do look at it and indulge in a horrified laugh, perhaps forwarding it on to gross-out your friends.

Fetishism is one of the most awesome things ever, serving as the butt of countless jokes while also exploring a darker part of the human psyche. Psychologists have several bullshit diagnoses for fetishists ranging from traumatic emotional imprinting in youth to a fear of the mother’s vagina (Freud, GTFO). I can tell you from personal experience that most of these motherfuckers are just weird.

One time I decided it would be a good idea to work as a “Foot Fetish Model” at a “Foot Party” in NYC. This scheme started, like all great schemes, in the Internet’s sewer: Craigslist.

Listen, y’all. This shit ain’t no joke. These men are SERIOUS ABOUT FEET. The party went down in a grungy underground bar in the financial district. It wasn’t some play-land patty cake time, and a lot of the broads who showed up for the money couldn’t cut it and bailed after like ten minutes. Yours truly, however, went through it like a champ and has come back from beyond to share some facts about fetishism you might not’ve known. It actually happened to be a pretty enlightening experience, but since you attention-deficit fuckwads have to have everything in list form, let me cut it into bite-sized chunks for you:

THIS SHIT IS EXPENSIVE

None of the women were this sultry-looking, though most were this Russian.

One guy paid me around $100 (BY THE WAY: Pay is $20 for every 10 minutes) just to sit with him for 40 minutes and talk about his pathetic career working as a background actor and stand-in for “The Biz” (gag). For the same reason that prostitutes are the best listeners, there were dudes like him who just wanted to chat instead of get kinky and creepy with feet. These people made me sad to be a lonely human floating in this vast interstellar space.

I was actually terrified at first because he took me into one of the walled-off areas they have for dudes to beat it (WHY IS THAT ALLOWED?) while a girl touches her feet and I did NOT want to have anything to do with that. Because my parents taught me never to quit once I agree to do something, however, it turns out I didn’t have to do anything nasty and got $100 for listening to the same boring shit my friends expect me to listen to for free. Awesome. He told me that just to attend these parties, one has to fork over $60.

THIS SHIT IS LEGAL

The club did not look like someone’s living room like this, and some of these nasty bitches were sitting practically naked on dirty club seats.

They made me sign an anti-prostitution agreement. I almost bailed right then because, what the hell, they have a document for that sort of thing?

At some point, there was screaming coming from the back of the club where the jerk-off areas are and one of the girls, bra off, tits akimbo, arms pinned behind her, was being pushed through the club by the giant bouncer as he screamed at her, “WHORE, WHORE get your gross ass OUT, YOU WHORE!” The inner feminist protester in me wanted to leap up and help her, defend her because the way he was saying it made me feel sick inside, but also, Ewwwww! Was she touching or sucking on no-no parts? Shock waves passed over everyone in the club after she was pushed, kicking and screaming, up the stairs, and then talk slowly picked back up like some crap bar scene from a movie.

FOOT FETISHISM DOES NOT DISCRIMINATE

See the expression of ecstasy and euphoria? SHIT IS FOR REAL.

From the few of my friends that I’ve told about it, the most common question is: “Who? What kind of people go to these things?” They are desperately looking for a sense of otherness with which to alienate something they can’t understand and fear. But it’s impossible! Like AIDS, fetishism does not discriminate!

Here’s a little demographic sampling: There was a +60-year-old gray-haired married electrical engineer who goes to swingers’ clubs with his wife on alternate weekends, a 40-something Jewish professor of psychology (HA), a young Indian guy who worked for JP Morgan, a 30-year-old Asian banker, a 50-something black general contractor and a Puerto Rican stand-in actor who was 44 and depressing.

I like to guess which guy is going to be into what kind of foot action. Some are meek and just hold the feet as though they were holding a holy object. Some are violent and like to be kicked in the balls and slapped in the face. It’s a fun grab bag every time!

FOOT FETISHISTS ARE NOT CREATIVE

The night that I made the most money I’ve ever made, I was wearing these.

I wore my roommate’s tartan jumper from her Catholic grade school and some men were actually afraid to approach me because they thought I was under 18.
Boy howdy, that naughty school girl image will never go away, ever, and I think it hilarious that it is so acceptable a trope when pedophilia is in reality revolting and deplorable.

This night, I walked on a man’s back with these shoes on, going so far as to “step on his head and squish it like a bug,” as per request. Later he licked the entirety of the soles of my shoes on which I had previously squished actual cockroaches. But as I sat watching him, dirty saliva dripping down his chin, trying not to wretch, I saw a person at the mercy of forces larger than himself and felt sorry for him. Most of the men tend to assume some expression of erotic pleasure while engaging with feet, not unlike the expression of a man in the throes of a porn session.

THE OLDER OR MORE UNATTRACTIVE YOU ARE, THE MORE CRAZY PERVERSE YOU ARE

There is an older man, slightly hunched and scrawny, with a baseball cap and a long, greasy, unkempt beard who always arrives precisely at 9, finds the most tattooed, drunkest-looking girl and grabs her. He has nothing to lose because he’s so old and grubby; you can tell he no longer gives a shit about dignity, cleanliness or any kind of discretion. He likes it when girls tangle their toes in his beard and pull on it as hard as they can. He brings a bag with a leash in it and demands to be lead around, panting like a dog. He will have a girl spank him with her shoes and then stand on his back like a stool. Thank god he never chose me for these honors, but one night there was a totally insane girl who was yelling and spanking and just working her ASS off for that $20. She was out of control and probably walked out of there with over $600.

FOOT FETISHISTS ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY GROSS

This is what happened to my feet after a guy bit my toenails and ate my nail polish.

One of my least favorite experiences was with an Italian dude. I should’ve known he was a fucking freak immediately because he was wearing a furry Kangol hat and it’s 2011. He started biting my toes, which was icky enough in itself, but then I felt him NIBBLING MY TOENAILS and CHEWING ON MY NAIL POLISH. He smiled at me and had red flakes all over his teeth. VOMIT. I went home after that and sat under the showerhead for a while.

IF YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU DO IT, THEY ARE DICKS

Popular media conception of foot fetishists

I’ve stopped telling acquaintances because then they bring it up awkwardly at a bar to introduce me, like, “Here’s my wild and crazy friend! Listen to how out there she is!” like it gives them cool points. Fuck you, guy, for pimping me out.

Anyways, telling all y’all isn’t exactly keeping it a secret so what can I say? I have a big mouth.

-THIEVING MAGPIE
@luneintrigante

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