BEAUTY PAGEANT CONTESTANTS VS EVOLUTION

It’s a no-duh that beauty pageant contestants are not the brightest stars in the firmament, but after watching this video of this year’s Miss USA contestants, I feel like my brain needs a shower. They were asked, “Should evolution be taught in schools?” They might as well have been asked if it’s morally responsible to teach kids about dinosaurs.

The video is kinda long, so it’s a good idea to get really stoned if you’re gonna watch it. But if you’ve got important shit to do, here’s a quick sum-up of what I gathered:

1:12 — Arizona says we should “let kids decide,” because yeah, what kid ever made a bad decision?
1:29 — Arkansas “never was taught evolution in school.” Arkansas has sub-par education? Shocking.
2:30 — Delaware comes close. She’s bitchy and smart and not so pretty. She knows she’s not gonna win, so she’s got nothing to lose.
3:34 — Hawaii said “creation-a-tism” and I still totally want to fuck her.
3:49 — Idaho rocks the grammar section by letting us know we should be “knowledged about it, I guess.”
4:40 — Iowa “took evolution in college.” Way to go, nerd.
6:37 — I DEFINITELY want to eat Massachusetts’ ass. Mmmm. Masshole. (I’m really baked.)
7:42 — “Miss Mississippi” is kinda fun to say over and over.
8:25 — Since when do they have Jews in Nebraska??
9:47 — FINALLY. New Mexico is the first one who says, “Yes. Because it’s SCIENCE.”
10:50 — Ohio looks like Jenna Jameson.
11:52 — South Carolina looks like Phoebe from that show Friends.
14:28 — I’d eat Wyoming’s ass, too. And then marry her.

-BRYAN SWIFT
@FaceHeadAss